My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
