i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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