My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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