Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize