only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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