he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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