Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
