worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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