I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
