textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
