to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
