textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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