Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Its about making memories worth repressing
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize