You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
