Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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