i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize