I smell stomach acid.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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