sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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