It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
