my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
