im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
