ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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