if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I met the friendliest cop last night
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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