Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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