my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My Sexting was not on an AP level
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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