the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
