i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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