Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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