So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
