if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
