i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
