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Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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