I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Your penis caused this!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
