Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
