Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i out mim tonsoeep
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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