i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
