I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
