i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize