She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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