Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
