I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
