im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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