Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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