I think I died a long time ago.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
