She's JV to your varsity
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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