My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
time to smoke my breakfast
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
