Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
