I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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