Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
