Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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