why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
