I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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