then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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