Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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