so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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