Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
