if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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