My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
