You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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