i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
