boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
