I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
