Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
that may or may not have been my penis.
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