i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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