I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize