WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize