i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were trust falling into bushes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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