i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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